Emmaus Experience

WOW is the first comment that comes to mind!

I went on this retreat with fear and distrust that I was truly ready for the experience everyone said I would get from it. I didn’t feel I was far enough in my walk with God. However, I soon realized you don’t have to be. In fact, one of the participants hadn’t accepted God into her heart and life until this weekend; it was the experiences, of the weekend, that brought her to Him. Now how amazing is that!?

During one specific activity, we were given the chance to leave something behind, let God prune our hearts, so we could leave it in God’s hands. As soon as I knew, what we were supposed to be doing my mind started overflowing with thoughts and emotions. I wanted to be release from my past. I wanted to release the longing and hurt for the things I can’t have, a mother, unconditional/compassionate love from my father and sisters, and the pain of childhood abuses still hanging over my head. I also wanted to release the expectations of a real grandmother for my girls and a MIL that shows me respect and love and sees me as a daughter and not just a DIL or the girl that took her son from her.

I took my turn at the altar and asked God to free me of these things. Instead of feeling free when I sat down, I started feeling angry because that is when I suddenly realized the source of one of my fears. It wasn’t just about the possibility of annoying people because I might say too much about my past and hurts, as has happened in the past. You see, though this was my first retreat as an adult, it was not the first retreat I had ever gone on. The youth group I attended, as a child/teen, had gone on many and this type of thing happened at each one, we were to pray for God to take away a sin, or a hurt, etc. Each time this happened I would cry because of the hurts I was feeling at home from the abuse, the not knowing how to get my mother to not be so mad at me all the time, and even though I didn’t really realize it till later, for her to love me. Consequently, one of the youth leaders would come over and talk to me. While I don’t recall the exact conversations we had, I know I talked about my life at home. However, no one every helped me or got me the helped I so desperately needed; instead I went home and continued facing the abuse and many times even got into trouble for “lying” to people because these leaders would tell my mom what I had said. I know this was not going to happen during this retreat but this was something I had not thought of before and somehow my mind was connecting the two. Boy, did I long to talk to David after this, but I couldn’t. Instead I had a girl in the bunk next to mine ask me how I was doing and that opened up my feeling comfortable to talk; which helped a lot! And, I might add that she didn’t mind hearing about my past and what lead me to this point we were at; as she and many other ladies said, “that’s what friends are for.”

At the end of the retreat and after many other amazing activities, we were asked to think about what we had gained from the weekend and what we were going to do from that point. I was afraid of this part; actually, I was afraid I would not “change” the way everyone had said I would as I prepared to leave for this retreat. “What if when Ruth came to pick me up and she didn’t notice anything different about me; would she be disappointed?” Then I, thought about how much “agape love” was talked about all weekend and I realized that first I have and always will have God’s love. I also thought about all the notes, the cards and gifts I had just gone through from friends and how much each of them shared their love for me with me. This made me realize that I didn’t need to try and get love from those that, though they should, don’t really love me because I have so many that love me just because I’m me not to mention all the new friends and sisters in Christ I had just gained.

What am I going to do with all I learned and took from the retreat? I don’t know yet. I just know that I’m going to appreciate all I have and not worry about what I don’t have. From there it’s all in God’s hands and I’m ready and waiting on His guidance in my life. I want to follow His will for me!

In closing, I just have to say that if you ever get the opportunity to attend a Walk to Emmaus retreat to go for it! I also want to thank everyone that was praying for me up to and during my walk; those prayers were appreciated more than you will ever know!