An Aching Heart

This was the first holiday season, since David and I have been together, that we haven’t spend Thanksgiving with his grandparents, and the first Christmas in many years that they were not at our house on Christmas Eve and many times Christmas Day too. They understood that David doesn’t have an ordinary 9 to 5, Monday through Friday job. So to them, it made more sense to accommodate David’s schedule by coming to us; that way David wasn’t left alone to sleep and prepare for another nights work if me and the girls went to see them, nor did we have to be alone on Christmas if we stayed home. Confusing I’m sure, but it made sense to us.

The issue with Thanksgiving, this year, was that David cousins wanted everyone to come to their house. We found out just before Thanksgiving the reason his cousins wanted everyone over to their house was because they live 5 minutes from grandpa and grandma where we live 45 and grandpa and grandma aren’t driving too well these days. Well, this made it difficult on us as David had to work the night before, was on-call the morning of, and had to work again that night and some where he had to get some sleep. David getting sleep, making the 45 minute trip, enjoy dinner (without rushing) and getting back home for David to leave for work just wasn’t going to happen. David’s mother also refused (for reasons best left unsaid) to go to his cousins for dinner. So her and her husband came over here; which wasn’t too bad, I guess. It just wasn’t our normal Thanksgiving and I missed grandpa and grandma; as did the girls.

To add to all of this my birthday was less than a week later. Not a big deal, I enjoy my birthday; David always goes out of his way to make it special. The problem was that I should never have checked the mail that day or at least held off on opening a card, or better yet just trashed it. You see, it was from my dad and it has been a while since we have spoken or seen one another. Several things have happened that have left me feeling hurt and out of place with him and his wife, and my sisters. I long for feelings from them I can’t seem to get; I don’t know if they feel I don’t deserve these feelings or just plan and simply can’t share them with me but it hurts too much to pretend the feelings exist. Yes, I tried talking to them about how I feeling but it didn’t do any good. I just can’t do it anymore. So when I read his card, a card seemed so empty of any compassion and emotion, it left me hurt and wishing he hadn’t even bothered.

So next is Christmas. As it turns out David was able to work a weekend shift in exchange for Christmas Eve and Day off. We decided that we would go out to grandpa and grandmas for Christmas Day. I spoke with grandma about the plans, and thought everything was all worked out. But they weren’t because grandma is suddenly having some major memory issues that basically kept her confused. After several conversations we finally had, it all worked out; she made the ham (I purchased a back-up just in case). I fixed the remainder of the meal because I knew she couldn’t handle doing so and my mother-in-law didn’t even ask if she could help and usually doesn’t (she’s another story for another time LOL).

I am happy to say everything worked out and we were able to have a nice dinner. So what’s the problem, you ask; so what if you had to go against tradition, at least you got to see everyone. YES, this is true and I was ok with everything till I was responding to an email, to a friend, and realized that we didn’t even receive a Christmas card, let alone gifts in the mail (as in the past), from my dad. I know, I know, I said above I wished he hadn’t even sent a birthday card since it had no compassion and emotion in it.

Let me explain, first I don’t know if it’s a close to the time of month issue or what but I have been feeling run down and sad all day; I didn’t sleep well last night at all, and as tired as I am right now I can’t seem to wind down. So, I was sitting here trying to play a game when I just kept thinking about things. First, I fear this could possibly be the last Christmas with grandpa and grandma. Grandma was not acting right at all and the doctors have told grandpa that they are classifying him as a homebound resident now; these are people that even in their 80’s have always been on the go up till a few months ago. Thoughts also came to mind that my dad has given up on any contact with me at all; that he’s not even going to try to make any contact. Ok, maybe I shouldn’t blame him specifically since I have made no attempts but like I said above it hurts too much to pretend there is a connection, compassion, and unconditional love between us. I can’t make him change. I’m sure he loves me because I’m his daughter; but I don’t want to be loved because he has too or feels he has too.

As I think about all of this I realize that, outside of David and our girls, I might be losing the first, and only family members (even though by marriage) to show me unconditional love. David and I have been together for almost 20 years and since the first time I met grandpa and grandma they have treated me as though I were a blood granddaughter. I don’t have to do anything special for their love. My family has never given me that. In fact, my mom told me I couldn’t by her love, when I gave her a gift, just because; I had to deserve it. There were always conditions attached to the love my grandparents showed me, even though they claimed me as their favorite. As I’ve mentioned my dad, and sisters, have no real emotional connection to me and that’s not just something I have fathomed, friends have made that comment when they have seen us together. When it comes to my mother-in-law, no had better refer to me as anything more than a daughter-in-law, or she will rudely correct you, even right in front of my face.

I know we just need to make the most of whatever time we do have with grandpa and grandma and believe that is exactly what I plan on doing. But dealing with all of these feelings and the hurt that just won’t seem to heal or at least stay healed is something I am struggling with. I know that I must forgive each and every one of these individuals that hurt me. And I do, over and over again as the feelings and hurt surfaces. I have come to realize that when you are dealing with the pain of past abuse and current events that the forgiving process is just that a process that has to happen over and over again. You can’t forgive just once and expect it all to vanish. Oh, if it were just that easy.

I also know that it helps to talk about the issues causing the pain; which is what I am doing here since I don’t have anyone to talk to face to face. Putting my feelings in writing it also a good way to not only express them but to work through them and I always hope that maybe I can give someone else struggling some insight and the knowledge that they are not alone.

But lastly and most importantly, I know I have to give all of this to God, and let Him work in and through me so that His will will be done in these situations and others that are tugging at my heart and soul. He and I had a long chat as I was driving to the grocery this afternoon and I think maybe my writing this tonight, was His way of helping me really express my feelings and get them out there for Him to take over. Some may think I’m nuts for thinking that way but it’s what comes to mind as I sit here typing and I can’t deny what comes to mind, no matter how crazy it might sound to someone else.

I ask that if you feel led to pray for me and these situations I would greatly appreciate it. I also welcome any guidance you might have to offer. Please also know that if you are dealing with any issues that might be similar, or not, that I am here to listen and offer my prayers for you too, because as we know, where two or more are gathered, in prayer, God will be; so let’s gather in prayer so God can work in our hearts and heal our hurts and guide us towards His will for us.

Check out "The Shack"

I just finished reading a fabulous book! Some of you may be familiar with this book; “The Shack” by Wm. Paul Young.

This book was recommended by a good friend that received it as a gift after her teen son died. She is reading it for the second time and her and her husband are forming a support group around the book and its message.

Though this book relates to those that have lost a loved one, specifically a child, I gained a lot from it too, as a survivor of child abuse. It helped me to see so many things in a new light and perspective; from why it happened, why God let abuse happen to me, forgiving my abusers and more.

I highly recommend this book to anyone that is hurting and/or suffering or anyone that just wants to learn more about why things happen and why God lets them happen. Or just plain and simply want to grow closer to God.

I will warn you that you may start thinking, “this is crazy”, “it makes no sense”, or other thoughts when you first begin, but give the book a chance, as read more and more it will start to make sense to you and will give you a new way of looking at God, Jesus, and life.

I am going to read this book again so I can really dive into its meaning even more now that I understand more about it’s message because there is just so much to take in and I want to make sure I didn't miss anything!

If you have read this book, I encourage you to share your experience. I also invite you to check out the website and forums for this book by click on the posting title above.

May God bless you and your journey of healing and growth.

A Significant Day in History

Today not only marks a significant day for our country but it is a day of thanksgiving for me and my family. Two years ago, today I came home from the hospital after being deathly ill. You may read more about my illness in the Awareness posting.

I remember not feeling well but still anxious to be in my own bed surrounded by my family. But I also remember that when the time came to go home, while waiting on Grandpa to get the van, I felt so weak and sick that I was ready to ask the nurse to wheel me back to my room. You see, even though they were releasing me from the hospital I was still very sick and running a fever but the doctors felt I would be better off continuing my recovery at home; which was true because sitting in the hospital was lonely and depressing. I almost swear the ride home was worse than the wait to get into the van.

When we got home no one else was home yet; David was working a part-time shift he was unable to get someone else to cover (the reason he couldn’t bring me home himself), Victoria was still at school and Vanessa was at a friends house. After sitting down for a few minutes to catch my breath I took a long hot bath. With the pick-line, I had in my shoulder I was unable to shower while in the hospital. After my bath, the house became very busy; Vic came home from school, David came home from work, the parish nurse (and a dear friend) from church stopped by to check on me, someone else came with dinner, and then Nessa came home.

As you can probably tell, voting on November 4, 2006 was out of the question. I don’t even know why we were voting that day to be quite honest with you. But today was I anxious and ready to vote; our country was depending upon it!

I am thankful to be here; alive and finally healthy! Coming as close to death as I did makes you really stop and think about your life and what is important. For me I was given a chance to fulfill God’s plan for my life. While I am still unclear as to exactly what that is, I continue to pray for His guidance in my life so I can make choices He would be proud of. That is also what I did when it came to my voting today; I prayed for God’s guidance and ultimately for His will to be done. He is the only being that knows what is best for His people (us).

We have to keep in mind, tonight, tomorrow, and till the next presidential election takes place that God is with us and that if we rely on Him and live our lives for Him things will work out according to His plan. The outcome tonight may or may not be what we wanted personally but we have to trust God and leave the issues at His feet. God uses every circumstance in our lives to help us grow, mature in our faith, so that we will rely on Him, and be ready to fulfill His plan for our lives. The outcome of today’s election is no different; we just have to be open to see His plan and work in it.

As we keep these thoughts in our minds and on our hearts lets ban together in prayer for our families, friends, country, and its leaders.

Many blessing to you and your family.

Idols

Having a two daughters, one of which is a preteen, we are bombarded by all the teen “idols” out there today. I don’t mind my girls liking these stars, what I don’t like is how much emphasis is put on idols. There are even televisions shows for people to compete to be an idol.

My girl’s favorite “idol” is Hannah Montana (HM). For the longest time I didn't want them even watching the show. Why? Because you have, this girl who lives two lives. One so she can have a normal life and another so she can be a star. I felt that this gave a wrong impression. After trying to be something I could never be, for my mother, I vowed that as an adult and a mother I would be who I am and not disguise myself for anyone. After all the most important being, God, knows who I am, even if I try and hide myself, and loves me for who I am. So if someone doesn’t like me, for me, to bad and I want my girls to feel the same way. Then after having HM pushed on my oldest, by a family member, mostly because I didn’t approve I spoke with my husband about it. He brought up other characters, batman, superman, wonder woman, who all lived two lives. I gave in, after that, and allowed them to watch HM and have a few clothing items with her on it. Then the other night it was time for bed and because HM was on they threw a fit. I did not take HM away from them, this time, but informed them that should these actions happen again they will not watch her on TV again. I also told them that we do not act that way over a character on TV.

My oldest and I had a conversation about what her actions were like. I told her that she was basically worshiping HM. I also asked her who she thought we are to worship. She said God and Jesus. She is correct. As a matter of fact, the bible has 233 verses regarding idols and the word idol is found 244 times. Each of these verses tells us how wrong worshiping idols is and that God is the only being we are to worship. Exodus 20:4 and Deuteronomy 5:8 states “Do not make idols of any kind, whether in the shape of birds or animals or fish. I realize that these passages do not mention human idols but we have to remember that these passages were written long before there were “stars”, sports, television, radio, etc. The bible also says in 1 Samuel 12:21 this about idols, “Don’t go back to worshiping worthless idols that cannot help or rescue you—they really are useless!” Meaning that during our times of needs these idols don’t care, they can’t be there for us, comfort us, or lead us down the correct path. It also says in Isaiah 42:17 “But those who trust in idols call them their gods—they will be turned away in shame.” It also says in Isaiah 45:16 “All who make idols will be humiliated and disgraced.” Another words God wants us to put Him first and worship only Him and if we don’t He will refuse us and turn us away. How sad would that be!?

So how do we teach our kids, that no matter what the TV says, we are not to have idols? Good question! We need to first explain that having someone to look up to is ok, but they should not be worshiped. They are not worthy of being worshiped. They are just normal people like us only they make a lot more money than the rest of us! We could refuse to let our children to watch any TV, listen to any music or seeing any movies, but where would that get us? That would in turn mean they could not ride the bus to school, go to friends homes, and many other things because of the possibilities of them doing these things while not at home. You could also have the extreme where they are sneaking around to do these things and since that is, considered lying they would be going against what God wants us to do again. I believe there has to be a happy medium somewhere. Such as limiting how much time they can spend watching TV or listening to music (and not just non-Christian shows and music because even Christian stars can become idols). We also have to talk to them about God and help them spend time with God and in His word so that it’s only natural for them to want to only worship Him.

Now these are just my thoughts. I am open to hearing what others think of the subject. So please feel free to post your comments, just keep them civil and non-judgmental.

I will close with what 1 Corinthians 10:14 says “So, my dear friends, flee from the worship of idols”.

Have a blessed day!

Love - "it keeps no record of wrongs"

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV

I have loved this passage since I found it left in a desk at a job I had taken years ago. Of course, at that time I had no idea it was from the bible. This seems wrong since I was taken to church every Sunday till I started working at 16. But then again when I look back and realize that church was all we had growing up unless it was Christmas or Easter. I, for more reasons than one, definitely did not grow up in a Christian home.

So why is this one of my favorites? Well, because it expresses all that love is supposed to be. As a matter of fact, Paul wrote it to the Corinthians, along with several other letters, to explain how they should live as Christians. It also expresses how big love is. Just think God loves us and covers all these aspects in His love for us. He is patient and kind. He does not envy us nor does He boast about His love for us. He is not seeking us to love Him and only Him. He may be disappointed in what we do at times He does not get angry and He always forgives us. God does not delight in or like evil. He wants us to be truthful in all aspects of our lives. He protects us, trusts and hopes we will follow His plan for us. He is persistent in guiding us even in the worst of situations in our lives. Ultimately, God’s love for us never fails. So, if you ever feel as though no one loves you remember that God always does and will!

I have a picture of this passage hanging in my bathroom. As many times, as I have looked at the picture I hadn’t really read it closely for a while. But when looking at it recently this stood out to me: it keeps no record of wrongs. So why would this stand out so much to me? Because of my childhood. Most every little, or big, mistake I made was remembered and used against me at a later time. I could never do anything wrong without a mistake I made in the past being mentioned that may or may have not been similar to what I had just done. I was told time and again that I could never be trusted because of something I did long ago. And no, none of it was dangerous, unlawful, or violent. The worst was having lied about something at one point or another. My family didn’t know what love was, not really. You had, or at least I did, to earn and deserve it, you weren’t just loved. I was even told that once after giving my mom a gift. “Buying” her love was farthest from my mind. I saw something I wanted her to have and got it for her. Now I don’t think that God expects us to forget how someone hurt us, treated us, etc, nor does He expect or want us to have to continue living with that person so they can continue their behavior. He just wants us to forgive them and move on in our lives instead of let the hurt control our lives. He also wants us to love, even those that have hurt us, as He loves us and them. Believe me, it’s all to easy to let hurts and emotions control your life, and some times, you don’t even realize that is what you are doing until you are feeling so low and can’t get back up on your own. Hopefully, if you are in that situation or have been, you have someone in your life, as I do, that loves you enough to help. I’ve also seen what holding onto hurts, anger, and hatreds can do to your life emotionally and physically. It can eat away at your life till there is nothing left. Sadly, we have a family member in this situation. I understand that they may not have any real love for those that hurt them but they are holding on to the anger, hatred and hurt so tightly that they can’t really love back nor let anyone love them. Instead, there actions are pushing away those who do love them and are living a lonely, miserable life.

Do you know what so wonderful about love? It is so big, powerful and amazing that it can be shared with everyone, which is who God wants us to love, everyone! Love was not meant to be shared with one person at a time. Nor switched from this person to that person based on who is your favorite at the moment. I have family notorious for doing that. I have also been at the end where it wasn’t my turn to be loved, more times than I care to remember. Or the love that was given to me was just a plain and simple, hollow love. Maybe that should be enough, but it’s not. I have family that have never truly taken the time to really connect with me, to find out who I really am, to understand me, nor have any real emotional connection to me. That hurts more than you may know. Without these things, you can’t have a compassionate love for anyone. Of course, you don’t have to have a compassionate love for everyone; to me that is usually a love you have for a spouse, your children, family members, and very special friends. And of course God!

Since I mentioned “buying”, love above I thought I would touch on that subject too. You can never truly buy a persons love. Showering someone with gifts or spending tons of money on them when you see them (on very rare occasions) may cause them to shower you with affection but only for that moment. “Buying” someone’s love could actually be hurting them because they may feel as though you don’t really love them. After all, if you really did love them you would be able to show it in other ways besides with gifts you bring and money you spend. It’s like I said above I was not trying to buy my moms love but because she didn’t believe I had any real and sensitive emotions towards anyone, but myself, nor did she have any emotional or compassionate love for me she could only assume I was trying to buy her love. Realizing this put a lot of things into perspective for me and shaped my feelings for my mom. Please don’t let that happen to you!

So I guess this explains why this passage means so much to me. It might also explain why this is my four posting on love.

I pray that you will consider what it keeps no record of wrongs means and do your best to follow this, just as I try to, so that you can live a life full of love.

God bless!

Verse Widget

Telephone Bill Warning Update

As you may have read, in January, I was being charged for telephone services, from a 3rd party biller that I did not order nor authorize. Well, I’m still dealing with it.

Today, six months after my initial contact to the FCC I receive a call, from them. You will never guess what their first question was...What do you want us to do? Well, DUH, take care of this issue. I mean geeze, ok so I had received refunds, still not for the total amount paid but I was still being charged. Believe it or not they cancelled the service the month that the FCC contacted them, they called to tell me they had spoken with the FCC and would be cancelling the service as requested, but turned around and started charging again. Oh and every time I spoke to someone they had to have a faxed copy of my bill with my full name and address on it to verify, yet again, that I was not the person on their account.

After contacting AT&T several times, they decided to set-up my account so that if a 3rd party biller wanted to bill it they had to have my authorization first. I received three calls looking for an authorization, but the name of the biller was never given. I of course didn’t accept, yet I was still being billed!? Then last month, I finally got someone at to say "OK, let's disconnect this line, luckily this was my office line that I no longer needed, and see if that fixes the issue". This is great as long as they don't find a way to charge my main account. They do that am I’m likely to get an attorney involved! But you will also love what one of the techs asked before doing the final disconnection; "do you know of anyone that could use this number so we could just transfer it to their name?" First, no I don't. Second, why would I want anyone I know to have to deal with this same issue? I mean come on the 3rd party biller is obviously going to bill whoever has that number even if they aren't the ones that requested and authorized the service. They even verified, several times I might add, that neither my name nor my address was on the account they were billing, just the phone number and then agreed that I shouldn’t be being billed. Now that I disconnected they don't have anyone to bill, I hope, but will as soon as that number is given out and these days’ numbers are given out almost as soon as they are disconnected. We had friends that moved and got a new number and a month later I was trying to call them and accidently called the old number and got the new owner of it.

So, I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens from here. I told the FCC, in my fax that included my phone bills, yet again, that I wanted a refund for the remaining paid balance. I also said that I want this company dealt with some how so they understood that they just can't start charging someone for services without verifying all information linked to the account, especially if it is a service ordered on-line. Also, that when they receive a call stating these services were not order nor authorized by the person being billed and after they verify all information and come to the agreement that this person did not authorize the charges and isn't on the billing information that they do as they say they will and cancel the service immediately. Not for one month and then start rebilling but permanently.

Please watch your phone bill, and cellular too for that matter, and make sure that all the charges were charges you authorized. The three companies I have to deal with are, (note: two phone numbers but one fax for all of them):

Horizon Telecom 800-736-7500
Reduced Rate LD, LLC 800-441-9678
OAN Service, Inc./Operator Assistant Network 800-441-9678
Fax number is 877-539-7924

If you find charges from these companies, start by contacting them first as it is best to have documentation that you attempted to deal with the issue before taking it further. Then try the FCC but know that it takes them a long while to respond. Of course, if all else fails get an attorney. I just hope and pray that you don’t have to deal with this issue at all!

God bless!

A Dozen Ways to Encourage!

This was in our bulletin, at church, a couple of weeks ago.

1. By sharing the scriptures. Romans 14:4-5
Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. They give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God's promises. May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other-each with the attitude of Christ Jesus toward the other.

2. By your spoken words. Proverbs 16:24
Kind words are like honey-sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.

3. By writing! (That's what God did!)

4. By acts of kindness and self-sacrifice.

5. By expressing thankfulness and appreciation to a person!

6. By prayer.

7. By touch.

8. By listening.

9. Through a smile.

10. Through a gift.

11. Through your presence.

12. By examplifying courage and faith in your life. 1 Thessalonians 3:7
So we have been greatly comforted, dear brothers and sisters, in all of our own crushing troubles and suffering, because you have remained strong in your faith.

~Kathy

The Power of Forgiveness

Did you know forgiveness plays a very important role in our emotions, and how we live our lives?

I am currently doing a bible study, with a group, that's titled "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore. If you have ever or are feeling trapped, in life, this is a great book to read. Up to the point we are at, in the book, the author has discussed the different ways you can get into a pit. You can of course throw yourself in through the things you do but you can also be thrown in by someone else's actions. And again, you can remain there by your actions even if you didn't throw yourself into it. I have been in a pit under both circumstances, as has the author.

Based on several healing topics and books, including this one, I have read, I have found that one of the greatest ways to get yourself, at least started out, of a pit is by forgiving, whether that is yourself or the person that threw you into the pit by their actions.

Believe me; I know how easy it is to say it’s too hard to forgive. I also know that there is a lot of misunderstand as to what it means to forgive. Being a survivor of abuse, by two people, has had me in all sorts of pits and on many emotional roller coasters. Not to mention the fears of what I had to do if I truly forgave.

But as I have worked on my healing and my climb out of pits, I have discovered a lot of facts and truth. First, did you know that the bible has 71 references to the word forgive and 17 to the word forgiveness? Check out www.blueletterbible.org to read some of them. Of course, I’m sure you know that God forgives us as soon as we ask Him too!? But He can’t forgive us if we refuse to forgive others because we are sinning by not forgiving too!

So with that in mind why can’t we forgive others?

I always thought that if I forgave then I would have to allow the person that hurt me, and would continue doing so, back into my life. Yes, I need to forgive and God wants me to forgive but He doesn’t want to see me be abused and/or hurt continually by that person. In fact, He doesn’t even expect me to tell them face to face that I forgive them, just to tell Him I do and to mean it.

Forgiving them would mean I was saying they didn’t actually do anything wrong. Forgiving is not doing away with another person’s guilt rather it is setting you free, free from the emotion caused by the pain and other feelings left behind. And don’t forget it’s not our place to judge and they have to answer to God one day!

I was the one that was bad; after all, I caused what happened to happen, so how can I forgive myself!? First and foremost, God knows we are not perfect and never expects us to be. Second, especially if you were abused, you had no control over your abusers actions. If you were like me, it wouldn’t have matter how you acted or what you did anyway. So blaming yourself and being unforgiving to you is just hurting yourself even more. Just ask God to forgive you for what you might have done wrong and for Him to help you forgive yourself.

How can I forgive if I still feel hurt? Forgiving can be a continual process, believe me. Every time I think I’ve forgiven, I have another memory or flashback and am feeling hurt, anger, and/or hatred all over again. So I just talk to God about the memory and feelings, and forgive again.

Based on personal experience; forgiving (and I mean truly forgiving) sets you free. A huge amount of weight is lifted from you. It’s like a light, at the end of the tunnel, or the opening of the pit, has been lit for you to find your way out. The emotions you feel are so much easier to handle and forgiving the next time you have a memory is so much easier. Not to mention that the emotions you feel at the time are so much easier to handle.

I’ve seen first hand, in myself, how holding on to emotions and not forgiving can control you. I spent much time sad, depressed, and alone and confused. It also put strain on the relationships I really cared about. Granted some of that time was when I was still in the abusive situation and unable to get away from it but a lot of it was trying to ignore and/or run away from it rather than deal with it. I was forced, for so long, to hide my feelings that when I started counseling and digging into my past my feelings went wild. I discovered feelings and truths I never knew existed, or at least didn’t remember them existing. And some of them were for those that let the abuse happen. Yes, it took a while to forgive but doing so is what truly lead me into the healing. NO, I’m still not completely healed but you know I really don’t think you ever are, after while it’s just more about knowing how to deal with the feelings and forgiving each time you need to.

I presently have to forgive others that were part of the past but not specifically the abuse because of how they act today, towards me and my family because of their lack of emotions and/or forgiveness for me or someone else.

I also see, first hand, how holding onto feelings and saying you can’t forgive can control a loved ones life! It’s not pretty. It’s sad and annoying. And believe me, you can’t talk to the person that is unwilling to forgive, I’ve tried. There is always an excuse and the same ones. Instead, all you can do is pray for healing and guidance as to how to help them heal and see how important forgiving is. Some times, you even need to ask for God to forgive you for your negative feelings towards the person if you have tried many times to talk to them and help them yet continue to see them letting unforgiveness run their lives to the point they feel they have nothing real to live for when they actually have everything to live for (that’s an entirely different topic LOL).

So who do you need to forgive? Or do you need to forgive yourself? If you can answer either question, pray to God for guidance. You can also leave me a message and I will help you pray. I’m also here to talk should you need a listening ear or a shoulder. I have felt God calling me to help others in their healing walk and want to follow that calling, so here I am!

~Kathy

Happy Valentines Day!

LOVE in the Encyclopedia

So now that we know what the bible and God say about love let's see what the dictionary defines it as.

Wikipedia says:

The word love has many different meanings in English, from something that gives a little pleasure ("I loved that meal") to something one would die for (patriotism, family). It can describe an intense feeling of affection, an emotion, or an emotional state. In ordinary use, it usually refers to interpersonal love.

Expressions of love may include the love for a "soul" or mind, the love of laws and organizations, love for a body, love for nature, love of food, love of money, love for learning, love of power, love of fame, love for the respect of others, etcetera. Different people place varying degrees of importance on the kinds of love they receive. According to many philosophers, the only goal of life is to be happy. And there is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved. Love is essentially an abstract concept, much easier to experience than to explain.

Interpersonal Love

Interpersonal love refers to love between human beings. It is a more potent sentiment than a simple liking for another. Unrequited love refers to those feelings of love which are not reciprocated. Interpersonal love is most closely associated with interpersonal relationships.

Such love might exist between family members, friends, and couples.

Some feelings that are often associated with interpersonal love:

Affection: feelings of tenderness and/or wanting physical closeness

Attachment: satisfying basic emotional needs

Altruism: selfless or unselfish concern for another

Reciprocation: if love is mutual

Commitment: a desire to maintain love

Emotional intimacy: sharing emotions and feelings

Friendship: the spirit between friends

Kinship: family bonds

Passion: whole-hearted desire

Physical intimacy: sharing of intimate personal space

Self-interest: desiring rewards

Service: desire to help

Impersonal Love

A person can be said to love a country, principle, or goal if they value it greatly and are deeply committed to it. Similarly, compassionate outreach and volunteer workers' 'love' of their cause may be borne not of interpersonal love, but impersonal love coupled with altruism and strong political convictions. People can also 'love' material objects, animals, or activities if they invest themselves in bonding their identity with that item.

I was also talking with a church friend about this and she and I agreed that based on the bible and what is written here is that what one person says love is may not be what another person says it is. It can be many different things and has many levels.

While I still believe love is a feeling, to a certain extent, I know that it is much more than that and so big that the only being that can truly explain it is God.

LOVE in the Bible

As I have researched how love is described in the bible, using blueletterbible.org, I first found this:

LOVE occurs 649 times in 579 verses (NLT translation)

God tells us of His love for us over and over again, after He is the one who created love! He also commands us on how and who to love. Here are some examples:

Exd 20:6
But I lavish my love on those who love me and obey my commands, even for a thousand generations.

Lev 19:18
"Never seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.

Deu 6:5
And you must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.

Rom 12:10
Love each other with genuine affection,* and take delight in honoring each other.

Rom 13:9
For the commandments against adultery and murder and stealing and coveting--and any other commandment--are all summed up in this one commandment: "Love your neighbor as yourself."*

And even though He loves us, and forgives us, He still punishes us, out of love, for our wrong doings and is there to help us onto the right path. I try to remember this, and follow God’s lead, when my children do wrong.

Num 14:18
`The LORD is slow to anger and rich in unfailing love, forgiving every kind of sin and rebellion. Even so he does not leave sin unpunished, but he punishes the children for the sins of their parents to the third and fourth generations.'

Job 37:13
He causes things to happen on earth, either as a punishment or as a sign of his unfailing love.

The love we show others can bring us so many blessings and gifts.

Rth 2:11
"Yes, I know," Boaz replied. "But I also know about the love and kindness you have shown your mother-in-law since the death of your husband. I have heard how you left your father and mother and your own land to live here among complete strangers.

2Sa 2:6
May the LORD be loyal to you in return and reward you with his unfailing love! And I, too, will reward you for what you have done.

1Ki 8:23
He prayed, "O LORD, God of Israel, there is no God like you in all of heaven or earth. You keep your promises and show unfailing love to all who obey you and are eager to do your will.

And my favorite is:

1Cr 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

But most importantly, God loved us so much that He sent His only son to save us. Now how wonderful is that? Can we love so much that we would be willing to send our child off to save someone? Or even better can we love so much that we are willing to give our children to God and let Him lead us in raising them and allow Him to show them His chosen path for their lives rather than ours!?

LOVE

A question came through a group I’m a member of: “What is Love?”

Boy was I ready with my answer. I had done a healing study in 2006/2007 entitled “Changes that Heal”. It covered some thoughts about love. This was important to me as I’m a survivor of child abuse and reading this book explained several things, to me, about how my family acts towards me.

Here’s some of what I learned:

There can be love, but it’s not an attachment or anything more than a deep care if there is no emotion behind it. You also can’t have a true love if you don’t have compassion too. Here’s what my book said: compassion: a belonging love, faithful, loyal love. As quoted, in the book, “only compassion drives us to real sacrificial love”. Sacrificial means, relating to – involving sacrifice. Another meaning of compassion is to have a deep feeling from a deep attachment and empathy. Love is unconditional.

I had answered the question with this:

Love is a feeling you have for someone, for everyone. God created love through His love for us and wants us to share that love with everyone. Love is big enough to be share with all human beings and more.

Someone else came back and said that love is not a feeling at all. Being confused by this I decided to research the subject. The next couple of postings will go over my findings so that this one isn’t so long.

I hope you will read them, enjoy them, and let me know your thoughts.

Telephone Bill Warning

Hi,

I just wanted to tell everyone to make sure and watch your telephone bills very closely. I have AT&T but I’m sure this issue is not just limited to them.

I usually have my AT&T bill auto pay and get an email alerting me that it will be paid at such and such time and the amount of the bill and a link to preview it. I never thought that much about it. Then in October I looked at the billed amount and it looked awfully high. So I started investigating as to why. I was being charged for services that I did not recognize nor did I know the name of the company billing them. It was a 3rd party company and not AT&T. If you have other phone services those companies can charge you through your phone bill and not directly.

I contacted A&T to ask them about it and while they said they could credit a month, or two, of the charges I had to contact the billing company because they could not remove it nor credit me 100%. Did I mention there were 18 months worth. Yes, I know I SHOULD have looked over my bill along time ago but the charges started at the same time I added my second phone line so there were extra charges for the services, etc. so at first it didn’t appear off and then I got sick later that year and for a long time was basically making sure things were paid and not paying attention. My bad. Live and learn! I contacted the company to find out they have my phone number but some else’s name and address. I had to fax copies of the bills and a written letter stating I wasn’t’ that person and that I wanted the service cancelled (well duh, I didn’t want it to begin with).

I was going back through my phone bills in December to find that nothing had been done and I was being charged still. Again, I called them and went through the same thing and did the same thing. This time when I contacted AT&T to see what more they could do they said they could put a feature on my line stating no 3rd party company could bill without authorization from me.

Again, I look at my January bill to find, guess what, more charges. So my December request was never handled. I faxed yet another letter and phone bill copies to prove I’m not who they have listed even though we’d already been through this.

Today, I receive an email from AT&T asking for me to authorize more charges from a 3rd party company. Only it didn’t say who it was not that it matters since I didn’t request any 3rd party charges to begin with. So, I have now contacted the FCC requesting action be taken and a full refund for 21 months now, as the company in October said they would only credit three months which is wrong.

So any, the point to all of this is…

Watch your phone bill, including cellular, especially if you have a newer phone number. Upon research I have found that within the first six months of 1998 alone this company had over 700 complaints file against them.

If you are ever contacted by these companies don’t give them any info. BTW, there are three company names, two phone numbers but one fax for all of them.

Horizon Telecom 800-736-7500
Reduced Rate LD, LLC 800-441-9678
OAN Service, Inc./Operator Assistant Network. 800-441-9678
Fax number is 877-539-7924

I listed phone/fax numbers just in case there maybe a different name they are going by because who knows.

I hope, and pray, you haven’t had to deal with this same issue. I also hope should you find the same thing on your bill this might help you resolve it. I can give you contact info to the FCC if you need it. If you have had any similar issues I would welcome feed back on how you dealt with it.

Out with the Old, In with the New

As I reflect over the past year I realize that I have many things to be thankful for. I have the everyday ordinary things; family, health, friends, etc.

I have been blessed with a wonderful, caring, loving and supportive husband and two beautiful daughters. As a matter of fact we will be celebrating my youngest 5^th birthday on Saturday. Now this isn’t just a celebration of birth. This is a celebration of life and health. You see Nessa was born 6 weeks premature. I know that is small in comparison to many. But at one week she became VERY ill and we didn’t know what was going to happen. There were also a few other health issues pressing on this small gift from God. Today you would have NO idea what-so-ever of her struggles.

My thankfulness of health goes way beyond just being healthy. It is for being alive, for being healed, for regaining my strength, my emotional and spiritual stability, and more. I could not have overcome the illness I had without God’s healing hands and guidance. It was this time last year that I was beginning a relapse of my illness and contracted reactive arthritis and got to the point I couldn’t walk. My ankles were so swollen and so painful. Again God was there and healed me. If it hadn’t been for my ankles I could have been right back where I was two months before. I am thankful that God was not ready for me to leave this earth yet because He has more planned for my life.

I’m thankful my husband was healed when he was sick this past fall. Again God came through and used His healing hands.

God has given me so many friends many of them that fill in the gaps that my parental family have left open. You never really realize how close you are (or aren’t) to friends till you really need them. Especially, if you don’t have family to help you; not because they live to far away but because they just don’t want to be bothered. Sad, yes, but the friends that have been put in my path more than make up for that and can be much more than a family to you. I only hope that should one of my friends need anything that I can be there for them they way they were for me.

I’m thankful for a church family that was also there for my family and me when I was sick. Between friends and church family we were well taken care of. Dinner was provided for at least 3 weeks. We were taxied every we needed to go, till I could drive. So much more that I could tell you about but they are things I keep in my heart because the love behind them was so wonderful and powerful. This is not the first my church family has been there for us. They were there for us before any of them, except one, had ever met us. When prayer was needed for Nessa they prayed and when we were able to make a second visit, to the church, we were greeted with open arms and hearts. The relationships have only grown from there.

I could probably go on and on about all that I am thankful for but I think I will leave it at that.

So what about 2008?

Well, I am praying for God’s will to be done. We have struggled, financially, for too long.

I want this to be the year we finally work things out. I want to take Nessa to Disney like we were able to do with Vic 6 years ago. Heck, we need a family vacation in general. LOL

I have been given an opportunity to interview for a position in one of the elementary school in our district. I have been praying, along with many others, for God’s will to be done here as well. If I’m meant to return to work I want Him to show when and where. Granted I’m really drawn to this position. It will give me the opportunity to fulfill my passion of helping others and more. I also don’t want my husband to have to work so much.

So many changes are taking place in our lives that I really feel that things are going to change and that God’s will is going to happen, or at least start to happen because I know it can’t all happen at once.

The last big thing I am seeking God’s will is with the healing ministry I have worked with my church to start. It has been a slow go and right now I’m feeling a bit confused as to what God has really called me to do but I found out tonight that I have someone willing to help me re-organize a bit and make it more understandable and welcoming to others. I can only hope and pray this is what God truly has in mind.

My thoughts on what I want 2008 to be could go on forever too but I think it might be best if I left it as is now and fill you in as things come together and happen.

I hope and pray that you can find things to be thankful for and things to look forward to in the new year. I pray that you and your family will be greatly blessed!

Happy 2008!!