Why Can't Adults Be as Honest and Open as Kids?

Don’t you wish as an adult we could be as honest and open as kids are?

Of course at times we wish our kids weren’t so honest and open with things. Take this morning for instance. Well actually before I can tell you what happened this morning I need to fill you in on a few events….

There is a family living two doors down from us, they moved in at the very end, like two weeks left, of the previous school year. While they are moving in they have their truck radio cranked loud. OK, I can deal with that, but hopefully it doesn’t happen often. Two of their children, girls, are in elementary school and came down to get on the bus at our house with my daughter, Vanessa, and other neighbor kids. No big deal except for the fact they don’t have any respect for personal space, they stand right on top of you. They also follow my Vanessa around like puppies; I have needed to talk to her, and had to request she must come alone. A few weeks, after school was out, my Vanessa looks out the office window and says, “there is a girl is doing something to our tree”. Upon looking outside I realize it is the younger sister of these two girls. Since I had just gotten out of the shower I send my oldest, Victoria, outside to tell her, politely, to leave the tree alone. Victoria comes in to inform me that the child was taking a steak knife to my tree and was cutting on it. How worrisome is that? From that time on we didn’t really see these kids out and about and when we did they were told to stay in their yard, by their parents. However I would catch them traipsing though my yard several times, during the summer, near my flower bed up by the house.

School started this past Monday for my girls. The first day of school the girls weren’t at the bus stop. But for the past three days they have been. Again it is the follow Vanessa around like puppies. Yesterday Vanessa came into the garage, where I was, to talk to me. Here they come right on her heals and straight into the garage. Now I don’t know about how you feel but to me unless you are invited into someone’s house, garage, what have you, you don’t go in, so last night I told Vanessa that I really didn’t want the girls in the garage and she said ok. Well, this morning I go outside and they are following her around or are standing right on top of us when I was talking to her. I went back into the house to grab something, when I come back outside the girls are at the end of the driveway and Vanessa is in the garage. I asked her if she said something to them about not going in the garage and of course she did. So now they are standing at the end of the driveway staring at us. Vanessa said, “but they aren’t mad”. OK hon, whatever you say. I told her that if they ask why not she can just tell them it is a mess and I would prefer they not be in there.

To a point that is the truth; but it is also partially because I don’t really fully trust them. I hate saying that but it’s true. I know these two were not the ones with the steak knife but I don’t know, they just really concern me and I would rather not have any issues come up. It also doesn't help that my neighbor, that's between us, let me know of some things that went on over the summer, that I had not seen or heard, between the parents. Along with some information the grandmother gave her regarding the children being abuse. I know it could be the parents, it could be anyone, but this kicks in my police wife instincts (those thoughts you get based on stories you husband tells you) that something just isn't right and keeping my girls out of harms way is necessary.

So why is it that we as adults can’t be this open and honest? Are we afraid of hurting someone? Or afraid of being hurt if we do open ourselves up to others and be honest with them? What are your thoughts?

Emmaus Experience

WOW is the first comment that comes to mind!

I went on this retreat with fear and distrust that I was truly ready for the experience everyone said I would get from it. I didn’t feel I was far enough in my walk with God. However, I soon realized you don’t have to be. In fact, one of the participants hadn’t accepted God into her heart and life until this weekend; it was the experiences, of the weekend, that brought her to Him. Now how amazing is that!?

During one specific activity, we were given the chance to leave something behind, let God prune our hearts, so we could leave it in God’s hands. As soon as I knew, what we were supposed to be doing my mind started overflowing with thoughts and emotions. I wanted to be release from my past. I wanted to release the longing and hurt for the things I can’t have, a mother, unconditional/compassionate love from my father and sisters, and the pain of childhood abuses still hanging over my head. I also wanted to release the expectations of a real grandmother for my girls and a MIL that shows me respect and love and sees me as a daughter and not just a DIL or the girl that took her son from her.

I took my turn at the altar and asked God to free me of these things. Instead of feeling free when I sat down, I started feeling angry because that is when I suddenly realized the source of one of my fears. It wasn’t just about the possibility of annoying people because I might say too much about my past and hurts, as has happened in the past. You see, though this was my first retreat as an adult, it was not the first retreat I had ever gone on. The youth group I attended, as a child/teen, had gone on many and this type of thing happened at each one, we were to pray for God to take away a sin, or a hurt, etc. Each time this happened I would cry because of the hurts I was feeling at home from the abuse, the not knowing how to get my mother to not be so mad at me all the time, and even though I didn’t really realize it till later, for her to love me. Consequently, one of the youth leaders would come over and talk to me. While I don’t recall the exact conversations we had, I know I talked about my life at home. However, no one every helped me or got me the helped I so desperately needed; instead I went home and continued facing the abuse and many times even got into trouble for “lying” to people because these leaders would tell my mom what I had said. I know this was not going to happen during this retreat but this was something I had not thought of before and somehow my mind was connecting the two. Boy, did I long to talk to David after this, but I couldn’t. Instead I had a girl in the bunk next to mine ask me how I was doing and that opened up my feeling comfortable to talk; which helped a lot! And, I might add that she didn’t mind hearing about my past and what lead me to this point we were at; as she and many other ladies said, “that’s what friends are for.”

At the end of the retreat and after many other amazing activities, we were asked to think about what we had gained from the weekend and what we were going to do from that point. I was afraid of this part; actually, I was afraid I would not “change” the way everyone had said I would as I prepared to leave for this retreat. “What if when Ruth came to pick me up and she didn’t notice anything different about me; would she be disappointed?” Then I, thought about how much “agape love” was talked about all weekend and I realized that first I have and always will have God’s love. I also thought about all the notes, the cards and gifts I had just gone through from friends and how much each of them shared their love for me with me. This made me realize that I didn’t need to try and get love from those that, though they should, don’t really love me because I have so many that love me just because I’m me not to mention all the new friends and sisters in Christ I had just gained.

What am I going to do with all I learned and took from the retreat? I don’t know yet. I just know that I’m going to appreciate all I have and not worry about what I don’t have. From there it’s all in God’s hands and I’m ready and waiting on His guidance in my life. I want to follow His will for me!

In closing, I just have to say that if you ever get the opportunity to attend a Walk to Emmaus retreat to go for it! I also want to thank everyone that was praying for me up to and during my walk; those prayers were appreciated more than you will ever know!

From a Police Wifes Point of View

Well, as some many know the past few weeks have been ruff for our law enforcement officers. Seven officers lost their lives two weeks from each other; three in CA, three in PA and the one in TX. There were also two shot in GA but last I heard they were doing ok. Praise God!

I have been considering writing something, for my blog, regarding these officers. However, I didn’t know if I wanted to try to do a memorial posting, a thoughts and feelings from a police wife point of view, or just leave it alone. I did know that I first had to deal with the emotions these killings and shootings were causing.

Today I have decided to write from the standpoint of a police wife.

Outside of when one of our own was killed several years ago, and two more severely shot since then, I’ve never really gotten extremely upset over my husband’s job. I have been a police wife for 15 years and I vowed 16 years ago, when DH first went into police work, while we were dating, that I would not spend my life worrying about him. Don’t get me wrong, I do worry, I just don’t let it consume me. Instead, I let God watch over and protect him. I have to say that God has done a fabulous job doing so. There have been a number of times when DH should have been at work but wasn’t, or could have been on the call where an incident took place but was on another run.

• Had he not been on another run he would have been on the scene where the officer was killed several years ago. I think this was the hardest situation to deal with because you are saddened by the death of the officer while thankful that your husband came home safe and part of you feels guilty for having those feelings while another wife deals with never being able to see hers again.
• I had met one of the officers that had been severely shot so that made it difficult in and of itself, this time I knew a face. I am happy to report he has completely recovered and has been back on the road for some time now.
• I do not know the most recent officer, but it was still hard to hear about. No one knew if he would even make it, amazingly he lived through the ordeal but thanks to where the bullet hit him, the rest of his life will be difficult.

When DH became a detective almost two years ago, I felt some relief after all he was no longer working in one of the most dangerous areas of town and two he would not be out on the streets every night. Not that there still aren’t dangers because they come with the territory of being in law enforcement no matter what position you hold.

What makes the most recent incidents different, it’s not like they are even in my state? Well, it’s hard to explain. First, the same thing happened in three states two weeks apart costing seven officers their lives and seven families loved ones. Those men were sons, husbands, and fathers. Second, I can’t imagine having to explain to my girls that daddy won’t be coming home ever again and all because someone decided their life wasn’t worth anything and tried to or even took it from him? Third, how as a wife do I live the rest of my life without my best friend should something like this happen to him? Lastly and most upsetting is the question of WHY? Why did these horrible incidents take place? Of course, we will never know the answer as to why, only God knows that. The media has come up with a reason but to me it’s just a pathetic excuse. So times are hard, what makes that a good enough reason to try to and to take a person’s life? In my opinion it doesn’t! It’s just a pathetic excuse, nothing more. I’m sure my saying that may sound very judgmental and I apologize for that. I’m trying really hard not to be but I will be the first to say it’s hard.

As I tried to find a way to settle my heart and emotions over these tragedies, I decided to turn to the bible and search for passages relating to Gods protection and here’s what I found:

Deuteronomy 33:27: The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemy before you, saying, 'Destroy him!'

Job 11:18-19: You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor.

Psalm 9:9: The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

Psalm 32:7: You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 52:8-9: But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints.

Psalm 91:1-2: He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Psalm 91:9-12: If you make the Most High your dwelling-- even the Lord, who is my refuge-- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

Proverbs 14:26: He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.

Hebrews 6:18: God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged.

Sitting down, reading, and writing these verses helped bring peace to my heart. Did it erase the concerns, no. Did it erase the feelings I have towards the individuals that took these lives, no. But, I’m not so angry that I’m finding myself being judgmental. I don’t like these individuals, but I know that God will make them pay for their actions one day. Instead, I will continue to pray not only for protection over of my husband but also all law enforcement officers everywhere and for our world! Will you help me?

Am I Really Ready?

In 24 days I get to attend a four day retreat/walk with over 150 other women and God; it's called the Walk to Emmaus.

While I am excited about going on this walk, I am nervous at the same time. I keep questioning if I'm really ready for something like this. Am I really walking close enough to God to be taking this next step? I mean come on I can't even seem to keep up on daily bible reading and real praying outside of off and on chats with God throughout the day about this and that. Nothing in depth, just general chitchat. Don't get me wrong I want to do these things but I keep failing. My mind is constantly going in several different directions, I'm trying to juggle a four day a week job, two daughters, supporting a police husband with an off the wall schedule and all without help and little to no energy. If I could shake the constant feelings of dragging and blahs it would help so much; but no matter what I do I can't seem to figure out how. About the time I feel like I'm making headway something new happens, like my blood pressure suddenly spiking and leaving me feeling physically awful. Needless to say, my house and God fall to the way side.

You know though, it's not just these feelings that have me feeling nervous it's the shy little voice inside me that fears being farther behind any of the other women that will be at this walk. The overwhelmed feelings I get when I’m surround by people I don’t know. The feelings of being a small child surrounded by older/bigger people I get when I try new things. The fears of my past abuse and hurts surfacing and my talking about it too much, only to find out no one really wants to hear about it. Or they feel like I'm using them as therapist like another group of women did while I was going through counseling and realizing so many feelings I had never been able to feel before (when all I longed for was shoulder to cry on and someone to pray with and for me).

I keep getting told that I'm stronger than I feel; after all my friend wouldn't be sponsoring me to go if she didn't feel I was ready. I just wish I had that same confidence in myself! I love her for having it in me though, I really do. I've also been told it's a God thing since my girls will be taken care of should David not be able to get the weekend off, from work. See we don't have family that cares enough to, nor has enough interest in, taking the girls when we need someone too. We always have to hope we have a friend that won't mind doing so.

If this makes sense, I truly hope to find myself, my Christian/Spiritual self. I really want to renew myself in so many ways. When I became deathly ill at the end of 2006, it wasn’t just life I almost lost. I became physically, emotionally and spiritually drained and sadly, I’m still trying to get all of that back. Yes, outside of some downfalls now and then, like my blood pressure recently, I am physically healed. I was told it would take a couple of years to be even close to 100%; June will mark two years after I was finally infection free, so I’ve come along way! I’ve dealt with emotional issues for most of my life and probably always will; even on medication. I can’t say I feel spiritually drained because I was never mad at God for getting sick, instead I was, and still am, thankful to Him for saving my life. For letting me live, for having a purpose for me. I will say I wish I knew what that purpose really was but I know he will show me when the time comes. But when you are so sick that you aren’t physically able to sit and read (the bible, devotions, etc.), to go to church, and more you kind of start feeling yourself slipping away from the things you used to do. I was involved in a lot, at church, but when I was finally able to return it was just to church and not to the things I was involved in, I still wasn’t well enough, nor strong enough. I felt out of place. Not that I need to be, involved specifically to worship God; but it’s something I enjoy doing.

I’m now involved again and loving it, but now I want more. In the end, I am optimistic, despite my fears, for this upcoming weekend. I want a closer and truer walk with God. Even more than that, I want to be a better example to my girls, and husband. I don’t want to just claim Proverbs 31 as a favorite but I want to live it more closely. I want to start memorizing scripture and learn how pray with scripture. I want to return from this retreat feeling alive and filled with God.

Of course, I say all of this while my girls are in the shower fighting, screaming and hitting each other, and as I hold back the tears and depressed feelings, because I’ve dealt with these actions all weekend, and try not to go in and explode. All of this sending me back to wondering how I can truly be ready to go on a retreat/walk with God in this capacity. Am I kidding myself, my friend, Him or all of us!?

What Does Your Favorite Color Say About You?

A fellow blog owner, JoJo, has started a question of the week and the purpose is to not only respond on her blog but for something for us to share on our blog as well. :)

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So here's our first question of the week:

I love wine and teal because those were the colors of my wedding 15 years ago next week (3/19). DH wanted some sort red in our wedding and while I like red I didn't want a real red so I chose wine and at the time teal was a big color and it went perfectly with the wine.

I like blue because of the sky and water. I also like green because it's all over outside and plants are green and I love plants, especially ivy's.

So what is your favorite color(s) and why?