Am I Really Ready?

In 24 days I get to attend a four day retreat/walk with over 150 other women and God; it's called the Walk to Emmaus.

While I am excited about going on this walk, I am nervous at the same time. I keep questioning if I'm really ready for something like this. Am I really walking close enough to God to be taking this next step? I mean come on I can't even seem to keep up on daily bible reading and real praying outside of off and on chats with God throughout the day about this and that. Nothing in depth, just general chitchat. Don't get me wrong I want to do these things but I keep failing. My mind is constantly going in several different directions, I'm trying to juggle a four day a week job, two daughters, supporting a police husband with an off the wall schedule and all without help and little to no energy. If I could shake the constant feelings of dragging and blahs it would help so much; but no matter what I do I can't seem to figure out how. About the time I feel like I'm making headway something new happens, like my blood pressure suddenly spiking and leaving me feeling physically awful. Needless to say, my house and God fall to the way side.

You know though, it's not just these feelings that have me feeling nervous it's the shy little voice inside me that fears being farther behind any of the other women that will be at this walk. The overwhelmed feelings I get when I’m surround by people I don’t know. The feelings of being a small child surrounded by older/bigger people I get when I try new things. The fears of my past abuse and hurts surfacing and my talking about it too much, only to find out no one really wants to hear about it. Or they feel like I'm using them as therapist like another group of women did while I was going through counseling and realizing so many feelings I had never been able to feel before (when all I longed for was shoulder to cry on and someone to pray with and for me).

I keep getting told that I'm stronger than I feel; after all my friend wouldn't be sponsoring me to go if she didn't feel I was ready. I just wish I had that same confidence in myself! I love her for having it in me though, I really do. I've also been told it's a God thing since my girls will be taken care of should David not be able to get the weekend off, from work. See we don't have family that cares enough to, nor has enough interest in, taking the girls when we need someone too. We always have to hope we have a friend that won't mind doing so.

If this makes sense, I truly hope to find myself, my Christian/Spiritual self. I really want to renew myself in so many ways. When I became deathly ill at the end of 2006, it wasn’t just life I almost lost. I became physically, emotionally and spiritually drained and sadly, I’m still trying to get all of that back. Yes, outside of some downfalls now and then, like my blood pressure recently, I am physically healed. I was told it would take a couple of years to be even close to 100%; June will mark two years after I was finally infection free, so I’ve come along way! I’ve dealt with emotional issues for most of my life and probably always will; even on medication. I can’t say I feel spiritually drained because I was never mad at God for getting sick, instead I was, and still am, thankful to Him for saving my life. For letting me live, for having a purpose for me. I will say I wish I knew what that purpose really was but I know he will show me when the time comes. But when you are so sick that you aren’t physically able to sit and read (the bible, devotions, etc.), to go to church, and more you kind of start feeling yourself slipping away from the things you used to do. I was involved in a lot, at church, but when I was finally able to return it was just to church and not to the things I was involved in, I still wasn’t well enough, nor strong enough. I felt out of place. Not that I need to be, involved specifically to worship God; but it’s something I enjoy doing.

I’m now involved again and loving it, but now I want more. In the end, I am optimistic, despite my fears, for this upcoming weekend. I want a closer and truer walk with God. Even more than that, I want to be a better example to my girls, and husband. I don’t want to just claim Proverbs 31 as a favorite but I want to live it more closely. I want to start memorizing scripture and learn how pray with scripture. I want to return from this retreat feeling alive and filled with God.

Of course, I say all of this while my girls are in the shower fighting, screaming and hitting each other, and as I hold back the tears and depressed feelings, because I’ve dealt with these actions all weekend, and try not to go in and explode. All of this sending me back to wondering how I can truly be ready to go on a retreat/walk with God in this capacity. Am I kidding myself, my friend, Him or all of us!?