This was the first holiday season, since David and I have been together, that we haven’t spend Thanksgiving with his grandparents, and the first Christmas in many years that they were not at our house on Christmas Eve and many times Christmas Day too. They understood that David doesn’t have an ordinary 9 to 5, Monday through Friday job. So to them, it made more sense to accommodate David’s schedule by coming to us; that way David wasn’t left alone to sleep and prepare for another nights work if me and the girls went to see them, nor did we have to be alone on Christmas if we stayed home. Confusing I’m sure, but it made sense to us.
The issue with Thanksgiving, this year, was that David cousins wanted everyone to come to their house. We found out just before Thanksgiving the reason his cousins wanted everyone over to their house was because they live 5 minutes from grandpa and grandma where we live 45 and grandpa and grandma aren’t driving too well these days. Well, this made it difficult on us as David had to work the night before, was on-call the morning of, and had to work again that night and some where he had to get some sleep. David getting sleep, making the 45 minute trip, enjoy dinner (without rushing) and getting back home for David to leave for work just wasn’t going to happen. David’s mother also refused (for reasons best left unsaid) to go to his cousins for dinner. So her and her husband came over here; which wasn’t too bad, I guess. It just wasn’t our normal Thanksgiving and I missed grandpa and grandma; as did the girls.
To add to all of this my birthday was less than a week later. Not a big deal, I enjoy my birthday; David always goes out of his way to make it special. The problem was that I should never have checked the mail that day or at least held off on opening a card, or better yet just trashed it. You see, it was from my dad and it has been a while since we have spoken or seen one another. Several things have happened that have left me feeling hurt and out of place with him and his wife, and my sisters. I long for feelings from them I can’t seem to get; I don’t know if they feel I don’t deserve these feelings or just plan and simply can’t share them with me but it hurts too much to pretend the feelings exist. Yes, I tried talking to them about how I feeling but it didn’t do any good. I just can’t do it anymore. So when I read his card, a card seemed so empty of any compassion and emotion, it left me hurt and wishing he hadn’t even bothered.
So next is Christmas. As it turns out David was able to work a weekend shift in exchange for Christmas Eve and Day off. We decided that we would go out to grandpa and grandmas for Christmas Day. I spoke with grandma about the plans, and thought everything was all worked out. But they weren’t because grandma is suddenly having some major memory issues that basically kept her confused. After several conversations we finally had, it all worked out; she made the ham (I purchased a back-up just in case). I fixed the remainder of the meal because I knew she couldn’t handle doing so and my mother-in-law didn’t even ask if she could help and usually doesn’t (she’s another story for another time LOL).
I am happy to say everything worked out and we were able to have a nice dinner. So what’s the problem, you ask; so what if you had to go against tradition, at least you got to see everyone. YES, this is true and I was ok with everything till I was responding to an email, to a friend, and realized that we didn’t even receive a Christmas card, let alone gifts in the mail (as in the past), from my dad. I know, I know, I said above I wished he hadn’t even sent a birthday card since it had no compassion and emotion in it.
Let me explain, first I don’t know if it’s a close to the time of month issue or what but I have been feeling run down and sad all day; I didn’t sleep well last night at all, and as tired as I am right now I can’t seem to wind down. So, I was sitting here trying to play a game when I just kept thinking about things. First, I fear this could possibly be the last Christmas with grandpa and grandma. Grandma was not acting right at all and the doctors have told grandpa that they are classifying him as a homebound resident now; these are people that even in their 80’s have always been on the go up till a few months ago. Thoughts also came to mind that my dad has given up on any contact with me at all; that he’s not even going to try to make any contact. Ok, maybe I shouldn’t blame him specifically since I have made no attempts but like I said above it hurts too much to pretend there is a connection, compassion, and unconditional love between us. I can’t make him change. I’m sure he loves me because I’m his daughter; but I don’t want to be loved because he has too or feels he has too.
As I think about all of this I realize that, outside of David and our girls, I might be losing the first, and only family members (even though by marriage) to show me unconditional love. David and I have been together for almost 20 years and since the first time I met grandpa and grandma they have treated me as though I were a blood granddaughter. I don’t have to do anything special for their love. My family has never given me that. In fact, my mom told me I couldn’t by her love, when I gave her a gift, just because; I had to deserve it. There were always conditions attached to the love my grandparents showed me, even though they claimed me as their favorite. As I’ve mentioned my dad, and sisters, have no real emotional connection to me and that’s not just something I have fathomed, friends have made that comment when they have seen us together. When it comes to my mother-in-law, no had better refer to me as anything more than a daughter-in-law, or she will rudely correct you, even right in front of my face.
I know we just need to make the most of whatever time we do have with grandpa and grandma and believe that is exactly what I plan on doing. But dealing with all of these feelings and the hurt that just won’t seem to heal or at least stay healed is something I am struggling with. I know that I must forgive each and every one of these individuals that hurt me. And I do, over and over again as the feelings and hurt surfaces. I have come to realize that when you are dealing with the pain of past abuse and current events that the forgiving process is just that a process that has to happen over and over again. You can’t forgive just once and expect it all to vanish. Oh, if it were just that easy.
I also know that it helps to talk about the issues causing the pain; which is what I am doing here since I don’t have anyone to talk to face to face. Putting my feelings in writing it also a good way to not only express them but to work through them and I always hope that maybe I can give someone else struggling some insight and the knowledge that they are not alone.
But lastly and most importantly, I know I have to give all of this to God, and let Him work in and through me so that His will will be done in these situations and others that are tugging at my heart and soul. He and I had a long chat as I was driving to the grocery this afternoon and I think maybe my writing this tonight, was His way of helping me really express my feelings and get them out there for Him to take over. Some may think I’m nuts for thinking that way but it’s what comes to mind as I sit here typing and I can’t deny what comes to mind, no matter how crazy it might sound to someone else.
I ask that if you feel led to pray for me and these situations I would greatly appreciate it. I also welcome any guidance you might have to offer. Please also know that if you are dealing with any issues that might be similar, or not, that I am here to listen and offer my prayers for you too, because as we know, where two or more are gathered, in prayer, God will be; so let’s gather in prayer so God can work in our hearts and heal our hurts and guide us towards His will for us.
